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I was shocked and didn’t say anything because I was aroused. One thing led to another, and suddenly Jovany started giving the other boy oral sex. (I had only ever kissed a girl at school before.) After swimming in the pool, I went to the showers with a boy named Jovany and another male friend. When I was 14, I attended a summer day camp and had my first sexual experience with a boy. My attraction to guys faded, and I was girl-crazy for a while. I would question God saying, “Lord, why didn’t you make me a girl?” I seriously thought I was going to hell for being attracted to guys.Īt age 11, my sexuality drifted. I would often ask myself, “Dontai, why do you like boys?” and I would always say, “I don’t know.” I thought something was wrong with me.
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If you could show two women, you could show two men that’s how I saw it. I never understood why they wouldn’t show two guys. The choices were either straight or lesbian porn.
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When I was around seven years old, we had one of those hot boxes for the TV, and I found porn on the Spice Channel. I always liked the way men looked, especially one of my mother’s friends. I would always hug and kiss my male friends on the cheek, and sometimes grab their butts. I had certain experiences in my childhood that confused me but led me to understand my sexuality. It felt pretty good knowing that I was not alone. As the years went by, I met other gay guys who had different types of disabilities. I honestly wondered if there could be such a thing as being both gay and autistic. It took many years to face this reality and accept myself. I was diagnosed with Asperger’s (a condition on the autism spectrum) at 12, a late age to be diagnosed with a developmental disorder. I knew I liked guys starting around age four or five. I am a 30-year-old, gay, bipolar Black man with high functioning autism.